With your eyes closed, 
Watching a strange show
Play out in your head,
But you were smiling somehow
And your day froze,
And everyone in it
Sat still as a rose,
But we were moving somehow.

Back to where we started,
Losing who we were,
Maybe we should only
Tip a bottle back to keep us filled up.

Back to where we started,
Losing who we were,
Everybody knows that,
You’d break your neck to keep your chin up.

Open your eyes,
And the drops come,
And a snail raced down to your neck,
And looked up,
But you were smiling somehow.

Back to where we started,
Losing who we were,
Maybe we should only 
Tip a bottle back to keep us filled up.

Back to where we started,
Losing who we were,
Everybody knows that
You’d break your neck to keep your chin up.

The only fair in life is in Dallas in the fall and Decatur in the Spring.

It was supposed to be different for you. We all knew it wouldn't be, but I wanted so badly for it to work for you. Please don't do something stupid. I don't know what to tell you, I don't even know what to tell myself. All I know is that it was supposed to be this way even though this way sucks and that I'll always be here for you.

It's not right. It's not fair. It's life. It sucks.





On the bright side: I went to the naturopathic doctor today. It was the only doctor's appointment I've been to where I feel like something is being accomplished, discovered, and it's being done by a wonderful woman that cares so much even though she doesn't know me. She's going to fix everything.

What Sarah Said

Everything on my mind at the moment:

1. I miss you so much.

2. Worst panic attack ever today. I need help.

3. Exhaustion.

4. I wish things would've worked out or had never happened.

5. Tonight was fun.

6. College history is going to be the death of me.

7. I'm so happy for you.

8. Tomorrow is a half day. The most exciting thing to happen in this town, well, ever.

9. I need you to not be hurt. Please, please, please don't lose it like I did. I can't watch that.

10. Christmas shopping needs to be done, but there's no time, money, or energy, so that'll be interesting.

11. I want this puppy. I saw her laying in Noah's Ark so sad and lonely. She was so much like me. I held her forever. I think the name Sarah fits her.

It's been

One year since everything was screwed up.
One year of pain.
One year of joy.
One year of sitting out.
One year of deep thought.
One year of medical mystery.
One year of intense prayer.
One year of pleading for answers.
It's been one year, and it's over. I don't feel any different. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I need a true distraction. I need you. And you. And you. And you. And you.

Distraction by Angels and Airwaves

Happiness is a mood, not a destination.

I spoke too soon

It was over in an instant, yet it happened so slowly. I saw it coming. 

I thought that my struggle was over and that it would pay off. I could not be more wrong.

Sure, it could most definitely be worse, and I expect it to get worse. (optimism at it's best right here)

I lied to myself every day. I said that I wasn't getting my hopes up, but really, all that went through my head was "It's going to be different this time. They know that they're doing. They'll fix me and I can go back and do what I love."

^^proof of how the mind is the master manipulator

It's gone, and so is part of me.

I apologize if I shut you out. I do not mean to

.

And 350 days later..

I'm back

Let's go

..back here,

here,

and then a new trip here,

here,

and here.

Even for just a day, would be nice with you.

Deep Wine and Cranberries

• It's best friend's birfday. WHOOP
• I spent the weekend with her. We painted her entire room and it looks so good.
• That crazy family is rather entertaining.
• My stupid heart monitor is so ridiculous. I hate that I have to carry it around everywhere, but it's cool.
• I had some pretty deep conversations with people today, and that makes me happy.
• I enjoy it when people trust me.
• She's happy now, and that makes me happy.
• I'm a happy camper today. For now, anyways.

Valley

In order to be in a deep valley, you would've had to be high on a hill at some point in your life. That is, unless you were born in the center of the earth. So at least you had that hill to fall off of. And now that you're in this deep valley, you have another hill to look forward to.

On another note,
-I have not done my history homework. Procrastination-678718587 Baylee-0
-I think I have found a great new friend =)
-I saw Candice Anne for about an hour long car ride today. I miss her dearly, but she's where she needs to be.
-I go to the cardiologist tomorrow. The next hill seems so far away.
-Jennyfur is sick. That makes me sad.
-After school basketball starts this week. I'm excited.
-I get to visit Miss Amelia this week. Precious lady.
-This week is going to be busy.

Rinky Tink's

I've had this reoccurring dream placed in a little ice cream parlor, and I didn't have any idea where it was until today.  Mystery solved.

I think this calls for a: 

On another note:

• Friday afternoon was superb.
• Friday night felt like death.
• Today was alright. I got my hair cut, which was much needed.

It's just

not fair.

Today

-I went to eat with my dear sweet Jennyfur.
-We went to wal mart, where a fire alarm disrupted my heart rhythm.
-I went to Best Friend's house and refused to clean for once. Win.
-I have a bagillion new songs.
-I really need a brain that will focus long enough to do more than one history problem in one sitting.
-Candice Anne is possibly coming home this weekend, and this excites me.
-I went to the gym and made over 50% of my 3 point shots, which is an accomplishment considering my past.
-Let's paint.

Yesterday was great. I wore my mom's old Cowboy's sweater to school. After school, I went with a few guys to Casa Torres. Kaleb sang a song off of the Lizzie McGuire movie, Mikey read blonde jokes out loud to himself, Kyler and Dusty just sat there, Brantle stated the complete obvious, Taylor and I just sat there and laughed. The football game was fun. I laughed/smiled a lot.

Today we went to the fair with Jadi and I had a fried peanut butter, jelly, and banana sandwich. Appetizing? I thought so. They wouldn't let me do the bungee thing that drops you and you swing. Shame.

^This thing kind of creeps me out

I am determined to learn how to play xbox.

Don't be sad, darling.

You deserve the best, because you are the most amazing person I know.
Whatever happens, was meant to.


Song of the day: This Too Shall Pass by OK Go