I have died everyday waiting for you

Darling don't be afraid I have loved you

For a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

Sitting around, no work today
Try pacing to keep awake
Laying around, no school today
Just drink until the clock has circled all the way
It is late afternoon
As you walk through the rooms
Of a house that is quiet
Except for unanswered telephones
You stand near the sink
While you're mixing a drink
You think you don't want to pass out
Where your roommates will find you again
Stumble around the neighborhood with nothing to do
You're always looking for something 
To sniff, smoke, or swallow
Calling over next door to see what they got
But you would settle for anything
That would make your brain slow down or stop
Break this circle of thoughts you chase
Before they catch back up to you
And your parents noticed your thinning face,
All the weight you lost
All the weight you are losing
You said, "No more feeling like a skeleton
No more sleep walking dead"
You're going to wake from this coma
You're going to crawl from this bed you have made
And stop counting on that camera
That hangs round your neck
Because it won't ever remember
What you chose to forget
As you try to find some source of light
Try to name one thing you like
You used to have such a longer list
And light you never had to look for it
But now it's so easy to second guess everything you do
Until all you want is to fill this half empty glass
Before the ice melts away
This feeling used to pass
But seems like it's every day and every night now

I wish that I would've known you before you got mixed up in all of this. I wish that I knew how to fix you, or talk to you for that matter. I wish I knew what's going on. I wish that I could save you. I pray every day that God helps you, but it doesn't seem like it's enough. Just please, please, be okay. Let someone in. Please.

Sucks.

I got it out. I formed the words. Every time I put my heart out it gets stepped on. You handled it like I would, of course. I just wish that for once I could get what I want, whether it's what I 'need' or not. It just sucks.

Please.

All your life people tell you to push past your limits. To essentially become limitless. You never really know what they mean until your limit is smaller than ever and you're still trying to push past your former limit instead of your current one and you fail every single time.

Patiently Waiting

Every time I think about it, it hits me again, whether I show it or not. People ask me if I'm going to try again. Thing is, I've never stopped. I didn't quit because I wanted to. I quit because I had to. I had to stop hurting my mom. I had to stop hurting myself. This has killed us both. Every time I work up the courage to try again, it gets worse. I can't do it alone anymore. People ask me why I don't stop. I don't stop because if I don't keep trying, I won't ever know if it's over. I want it all to just be over, but that's not what God wants I suppose. Good things have come out of all this, but they were all earned. You tell me that it could be so much worse, as if I don't know that. I know things could be much worse, because I've witnessed worse. I make myself sick worrying about my people dealing with worse things. It's been one year, eight months, and fifteen days. I have played one half. One freaking half, which I hardly remember. There are bigger and better things to put my focus on, and I do, but it just keeps hitting me. It will stop one day.

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." -Proverbs 16:9

Thank you so much.

I'm gonna steal your heart.

1. I have been to Disney World and back.
2. I am now a hostess at Chili's.
3. I haven't ran since I had to be 'rescued.' That's going to change tomorrow.
4. I rarely have a legitimate appetite anymore.
5. I have not been to the doctor in over a month.
6. I found out some awful news that scares me to no end. No one knows just how much this is killing me.
7. I just want to be swept away.
8. I am probably going to do a few things I regret over the next year.
9. I cannot wait for senior year.
10. I'm gonna steal your heart.

Three in the morning

Well it's three in the morning, and my tummy is roaring. I'm supposed to be waking up in an hour, but that would require going to sleep. I've gotten one not so good phone call and another hilarious one. I do, however, enjoy talking to some of my best friends all night. I really want a muffin, or pancakes, or a hamburger, or some fries, or all of the above and then some. I'll be on a plane at 7:52 to fly to Disney World. It's such a little kids fantasy, but I'm SO pumped to ride a million roller coasters. Somebody bring me some fooooooooooood.

I hope you are for real.

Sundays

seem to be the day that I go to the track and hack it out with God.


You will never be able to comprehend how much you help me. You're always there. Always.

Peace

Peace is such a simple word, but not a simple emotion to feel. I can't seem to find it. If you do, please, tell me where.

To the boy from Decatur: I don't know you, or anything about you, but the world is cruel, and for that, I am so sorry.

I Got You Babe by Sonny and Cher was on an Abilene radio station on repeat for at least an hour and a half. Made my day.

I won't be at school 3 days this week. That'll be interesting seeing that it's the end of the six weeks.

Let me help. I can't help myself, so let me help you. Anyone.

I'll be visiting Texas Tech on Friday. It's roughly four and a half hours away. That's a pro and a con. Making a pro/con list could be tough.

I love my best friend so much. I wish she could understand.









I did a lot of talking/pleading with God today. Things are so different now.

So let's just try to cool it down.

Listen

It's so peaceful.

with a heart of a lion, yeah

The past few days have been spent with my best friend and my Candice Ann in Graham, Texas.
We:
-Woke up at 5-6 am and drove to Graham.
-Shoved cookies in a mailbox/our mouths.
-Took the grand tour of Graham.
-Played keep away.
-Danced in the street.
-Got some really good frozen yogurt.
-Met some of the native Grahamites and went bowling.
-Drove around the lake. What kind of lake has no place for the public? Graham Lake.
-And took a few naps.
It was a really really successful trip. I want to graduate, but I don't want to have to miss this stuff.

On another note:
-Everyone and their mom is having/had surgery this week. This worries me.
-I don't enjoy being blown off, but I don't enjoy confrontation either.
-I love Ellen Remmele so very much.
-My mom is coming home from Haiti tomorrow. The airport lost her luggage and I'm sure she will be writing a strongly worded letter to American Airlines about how she spent a week doing mission work in a foreign country without her clothes and toiletries.
-I ran today. Running never turns out right when I do that. I waited until I thought I was back to normal to drive, but right when I reached 114, my eyes freaked out and I pulled over. I sat there for a good 10 minutes scared to death. Thanks for always being there buddy. My dad came and followed me home going 45 the whole way.
-Please, everyone, be okay.

"Paradise sounds depressing."   -You got that right.

54 Days

There are only 54 days left of our Junior year. 54 days until we're Seniors. Seniors. You know that title that we've been dreaming of for the past 13 years. It's all pretty surreal, and it's taken forever. I don't know where I'll be in 10 years, but hopefully it'll be next to my best friend in houses that are something like this:

Day Ten

I zone out for about 80% of every day. I hardly ever recall where my mind goes.

Day Nine

1.

2.

Day Eight

1. Having knowledge.
2. Know your music.
3. Being yourself.

Day Seven

1. Not appreciating Coldplay.
2. Being mean to my close friends.
3. Not understanding the art of sarcasm and sassiness.
4. Telling me how to think.

Day Six

1. God

2. Best Friend

3. My family

4. Sierra/Jennyfur

5. The rest of you lovely people.

Day Five

1. Hit my head.
2. Hit my head.
3. Hit my head.
4. Hit my head.
5. Hit my head.
6. Hit my head.

Day Four

1. What comes next.
2. How much things have changed.
3. My best friend.
4. Everyone else.
5. Basketball.
6. Nightmares.
7. Good, good days.

Day Three

1. Be there. Always.
2. Don't tell me not to worry about you, because it's pointless.
3. Be spontaneous.
4. Eat all the cookies I put in front of you. I promise they're good.
5. Don't tell me how to think. It makes me feel inferior.
6. Don't judge me or my friends.
7. Open the door for the elderly women. ha
8. I really have no idea.

Day Two

1. I love God and my friends with all of me and I would do anything for them.
2. I worry more than anyone I have ever known.
3. I put myself through hell because of this ^^
4. There is nothing I love more than an afternoon drive with my best friend.
5. I can convince almost anyone that I'm in a different mood than I am, which is also known as a front.
6. I used to play basketball, and now I can't. That's reality at it's best.
7. I want to be a speech pathologist because if given the chance, going through that therapy would've changed a lot for me.
8. I have only been "normal person sick" once in the past 5 years.
9. I have slept with a frog lamp on at night for over 6 years.

Day One

1. I love you with all of me. I miss how we used to be. Just come live with me for a week. Everything is so busy now. I hate it. I miss you. 
2. I'm so glad you're in my life. I honestly don't know where I would be right now without you, love.
3. I wish you wouldn't have gone that road, or lied about it. I miss you and our 3 am games of catch in the rain. Please stop. We need you here.
4. I miss you so much and I cannot wait to see you on spring break.
5. You always know the right things to say to tell me how to keep my chin up.
6. You are my bruver forebers. Our snow day was fun.
7. You hurt me and it happens, but now you're hurting yourself and I don't think you see it. We're here to listen.
8. You are me, I swear. With obvious differences of course lol. Don't get hurt. I couldn't stand to see you in my position.
9&10. The both of you are helping me get through this. Whatever 'this' is. You take special care of me, even though you see so many other people in need. Thank you so much. For everything.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people

Day Two: Nine things about yourself.

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)

Day Seven: Four turn offs.

Day Eight: Three turn ons.

Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.

Day Ten: One confession

Christmas 2010

I wish that I could put my scattered thoughts into words.

ISFZs

are responsible, caring, reserved, and cooperative. As an ISFZ you have a modest style of helping others in orderly and practical ways. You believe it is important to follow rules and laws; similarly, you adhere to routine and prefer to see traditions preserved with little change. You are prone to worry about things beyond your control and may appear to be less confident because of your tendency to become stressed or agitated and not ask for help.

You like to be with a few close friends and family members and to offer personal support wherever and whenever needed. You are good at coordinating tasks and activities for everyone but may become overburdened by taking on other people's problems. Likewise, you don't ask for the recognition you would like to have. You are quietly loyal to family, friends, and groups and institutions that are important to you, and you hope others will be as loyal in return. You avoid interpersonal conflict at all costs.

As an ISFZ you are an organized and focused learner who is good at memorizing facts and details related to people. You reliably meet deadlines and obligations. You excel at coordinating and scheduling your own activities and keep yourself and your belongings neat and in good order. You prefer to work on projects and tasks that are useful in a practical way.

Worry-
to torment oneself with or suffer from disturbing thoughts

Put me on a plane

-It's official, and you agree. You are the male version of me.
-I'm seeing a psychologist soon to figure all of this out. This is what I need.
-I miss both of you.
-I enjoy being a fail at xbox and having boxing matches in my living room.
-A snow day would be nice, but isn't going to happen.
-Everyone is hurting.
-I worry about this ^^^ a lot.
-College History starts in a week. I was thinking I needed some more stress.
-Oh, and apparently I text in my sleep.

"Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday." 

-Mark Twain

It's not the day I'm worried about, Mr. Twain, it's what they will do in that day that worries me.